Friday, April 9, 2010

For the Love of Tampons

Tampons, a necessity for Mama and pure joy for Itty Bitty. Yes, it is true, she loves to play with tampons. I know – it is weird and gross, but hey it’s me. What do you expect? Basically, she LOVES to hold them and just carry them around the house. They are just the perfect size to fit in her little hand and tote. Rock Star always carried Hot Wheels, no such luck with Itty Bitty. I tried for a while to break her of the love, but I have just given up. I actually had forgotten about them until the other day the mailman had to bring something to my door and I answered it with Itty Bitty on my hip and two fistfuls of tampons. He looked at me, then her, then her hands specifically and seemed to freeze. I wanted to say, “Dude, they are tampons not grenades. Chill.” Then I remembered, it is kinda weird.

So with all the tampons laying around I was careful to avoid calling them by their actual name (just referred to them as “mommy things”) because I just knew the minute I actually said the word TAMPON this conversation would happen…and it did:

Me: UGH! Itty Bitty, there are tampons everywhere!
(now I start to sweat because I know what I have just done)
Rock Star: What’s a tampon?
Me: (acting like I didn’t hear the question) Who wants a snack?
Rock Star: Mom! I ask you what is a tampon?
Me: It’s just something for moms.
Rock Star: I know, but what are they?
Okay, so this is one of those moments as a mother where I have absolutely NO idea what so ever to do and before I know it this stupid answer falls out of my face...
Me: They are for vaginas. (WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY TO MY 4 YEAR OLD SON!?!?!?)
Rock Star: What? When you pee?
Me: (here I decide I am too unprepared for this so I will just lie.)Yes. They help me not pee when I jump on the trampoline.
Rock Star: How?
Me: Like medicine.
My heart is actually racing here. Am I going to claim to eat the tampon? Am I going to explain how to put “medicine” on or in my vagina? This could go so wrong I am about to pop a Xanax.
Rock Star: (Looking board) That’s weird.
Me: Yep. Want a piece of your Easter candy?
Conversation Over.
I will be reeling from this for days to come. Can you believe how terribly I handled this? I am shocked by my own stupidity.


Joey J Doering said...

Honesty is the best policy. The honest answer is so gross and confusing that they will get board. Eli and I just talked about it. I explained that women have periods so they can have a baby when they want to. It worked and he walked away....

Anonymous said...

I love this. It made me laugh. I love that you said they were to make you not pee. You do what you have to do when your kids put you on the spot. Good recovery I'd say.

mamacomedy said...

Your right, I usally go for the honest answer and don't believe in "pretend" words for body parts or functions but I was derailed in knowing that when he HEARS the word blood he melts into a sobbing, panic-stricken mess. That was just more than I am ready for...(maybe I'll just let Eli give 'em the scoop :-)

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