Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I am pregnant
I am tired…very tired
I am sick of barfing all day
I am feeling overwhelmed
I am completely behind on everything

I must figure out a way to rejuvenate myself
I must quit feeling guilty
I must quit feeling like a failure

I want to enjoy being pregnant
I want to have the desire and energy to play with Rock Star and Itty Bitty
I want my house back in order
I want a nap.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Ever have one of those parenting moments when you know you are making a huge mistake but you have that internal shrug and “eh” reaction? Me? Yeah, about three times a day.

I hear it first. Silence followed by “the” giggle-times two. The naughty laughter is then followed by the patter of fast sneaking little feet running from one spot to the last no doubt toting something that should not be touched. I know what is happening: messes are being made, things are being shoved into the toilet, lotion bottles are being emptied, diaper cream is being smeared head-to-toe, markers have been discovered, food is being taken on the carpet, clothes are being stripped off (yes, my kids LOVE to streak), I know there is all around no-good shenanigans happening and yet I choose to ignore. I know my work will be doubled (at least) when I finally am forced to deal with it, I know something will probably get wrecked, I know I will be questioned by the hubs as to how “this” happened and yet I still ignore.

Why? What is wrong with me?
Am I lazy or just desperate for 5 minutes without a little person up my ass?

Last night I was up battling nausea and went into the downstairs guest bath, well I tried. I couldn’t quite open the door. Not a good sign. When I finally wiggled my way in I was faced with the harsh reality of my choice to ignore the naughty; I suddenly remembered a phone call earlier that afternoon when I knew they were in the bathroom but I chose to score a few minutes of uninterrupted talk and clearly forgot to go survey the damage after my call. As I stood in a sea of clothes, hangers, shoes, toys, cookies, a half eaten apple, a few DVD’s, books, diapers (clean, thank God), and of course the signature full roll of toilet paper soaking in the toilet I wanted to cry. I felt so guilty for being a lazy mom.

Then I realized it was 3am and I was cleaning a bathroom. Lazy my ass.
There are two of them. They work at warp speed. They are super-human. There is only one of me.


I am simply outnumbered.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mommy Misdemeanors

I am currently hiding out avoiding charges for the following crimes over the last few days. Yes, I have no doubt been on a mommy crime spree…

I swiped all the purple and red Skittles for myself from the package before doling them out.

Driving Under the Influence:
...of exhaustion and severe snack passing-out distractions.

Disorderly Conduct:
I stood in the kitchen screaming and squawking about ALL of the three lower pantry shelves being emptied by little people, about the laundry AGAIN being pulled out the baskets AFTER being folded and about the full roll of toilet paper being thrown in the toilet. Shrieking decibels far exceeded that permitted within city limits.

Pulled down and threw out the 147 pieces of scribbled on paper scotch-taped all over the house while the “decorators” were napping. The artist and owner of this art made sure I was aware of the pain and suffering I had caused by informing me I had “destroyed masterpieces and taken away his feelings.”

Some other, and perhaps more serious crimes, include:

Forcing Hard Labor out of the Disabled:
Apparently, any part of a body that has a band-aid on it is rendered useless and without all functioning body parts it is “so-bad mean” of me to make the disabled individual clean up their toys.

Starving the Weak:
Yes, it is true. I refused to provide Pringles 8 minutes after leaving the breakfast table. This resulted in the accusation that I was “starving us kids to death!”

And of course my personal favorite…

Cruel and Unusual Punishment:
This one I plead guilty to. Yes, I ended outside playtime and insisted on baths…with hair washing and soap.

So there you have it little ones, I am one bad ass mommy. Bring it.
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