Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Heartbeats and pickles make for a great day

Today we were finally able to hear our little ones heartbeat. I literally felt my soul melt from the release of tension. Although we have had a rocky start it seems baby is now doing well, growing and finally allowing us to know she (no, we do not know yet – just my mama gut) is well. It was amazing how I left the doc’s office with my two kids in tow at 1:30, which is normally when I am crashing on the couch praying for an hour of sleep, and I was FULL of energy. I felt like I was walking on air. My baby was well, Rock Star and Itty Bitty were excited to hear and see their new baby (although Itty Bitty kept looking around the room looking for the “bebe?”) and the sun was shining. So I decided to take the kids out for the afternoon; we played in a bookstore, played in Pottery Barn for Kids and ate ice cream.
We then came home and while Itty Bitty napped and Rock Star and the hubs flew a kite, I ate a “Big Papa” pickle – it was the size of a full grown cucumber. It really has been a wonderful day.

Friday, April 23, 2010

No really, this was my day. For real.

Sometimes there is a day that goes so ass backwards it leaves me wondering the following morning if the day really happened or if it was a terrible, terrible dream. Yesterday was one of those days. The hubs turned 40 and I had the best of plans – I should have known the shit would hit the fan simply based on the fact I had a plan…

The hubs office was throwing a luncheon for him and the kids and I were attending as a surprise. This meant we had to be there on time. Yep, if you are keeping track that is two strikes against me, a plan and a deadline. We HAD to leave the house my 10:30. Hubs was arriving at the gathering at 11:30, we have a solid 45 minute drive and needed to get into the location and settled before 11:30. Right, as if.

10:05 kids dressed, hair styled and settled in their rooms with books. I however still had not gotten into the shower yet.
10:10 exit shower to find both kids covered, yes covered in diaper cream. Rock star thought it would be relaxing if he put lotion on himself and the baby. How nice of him.
10:10-10:15 five very precious minutes spent yelling, and then yelling a little more.
10:15 wipe down two kids, change clothes and restyle Itty Bitty’s (formerly very cute and fluffy) hair into a greased slicked ponytail.
10:25 throw on my clothes; pack up some make-up as it will have to be applied in the car.
10:30 gathering items to walk out the door and catch the smell. Yep, full-blown poop blowout all over Itty Bitty. Enter round three of cleaning and dressing the baby.
10:40 I’m am now getting nailed with morning sickness. Of course. Barf, Barf, Barf.
10:50 Head to car, which of course is parked in the driveway, not in the garage and it is pouring cats and dogs. Without fail, in the haste and hustle and bustle of getting the kids to the car Rock Star wipes out…in mud.
Let’s just say we were slightly late for the party. But the good news is, the only person who runs more late than I is the hubs.

The really sick thing? The morning was the best part of the day. After lunch I had a million birthday dinner errands to run, yeah with two kids in a thunderstorm. The house was of course a wreck and we were having company for dinner. You know how there is two kinds of guests, the ones who really know how you live and don’t mind clearing a spot of the couch to sit or refilling the toilet paper holder themselves and then there are those who need the house to be in June Cleaver order when they arrive? I was hosting the second group.

Yep, that was my very, oh so very, real day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tuesday This and That

This is great news….blood work indicates things are looking stable for our little one. Baby is still growing and seems to be developing okay. We will have a repeat sonogram later this month and will hopefully again get more good news. Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers and well wishes; I will keep you posted.

I got a two hour nap today and that was awesome! I have been exhausted lately and a nap was just what I needed. In case you doubt how badly I needed the nap when I woke up at two o’clock this is what was going on in our home:
-Rock Star was still in his PJ’s
-Breakfast was still on the counter
-The 5 loads of laundry I have to get done were still sitting untouched
-Two of the three bathrooms in the house were out of toilet paper and both had pee on the seat and floor (I don’t know and don’t want to)
-Lunch had still not been served
-None of the days to-do’s had been touched (there were 9 of them)
Despite all of this I feel fantastic. I swear a good nap is like a drug. I now just get to figure out how to get the entire day crammed into the next 3 hours.

And one final, random thought. Well, question really. As summer time is upon us the kids love to eat outside (breakfast, lunch and snacks) often with neighborhood friends. As I am trying to eliminate as much plastic in our house as possible I am finding myself stumped with how to feed the kids. I prefer not to give them plastic plates, anything disposable is not an option and glass certainly is not an option. I am thinking wood may be my only choice, which is okay but pricy. I guess I have to look at it as an investment.

Do you have any thoughts or ideas?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Digging Deep

A few posts ago Mommy on Fire left me a comment telling me to “dig deep” when I had shared I was struggling with sharing some feelings and fearing letting too much hang out for the world (or 12 readers anyway) to read. Well MoF…here goes.

We recently found out we would be blessed with our third child later this year. I am not sure there is ever a joy as great, as pure and indescribable as what is felt when you learn this news. Overwhelming does not even really come close. I am always left feeling small, amazed that I am being given something so huge, beyond scale or measure. I look everyday and Rock Star and Itty Bitty and cannot believe I live a life that is this wonderful. But motherhood, my journey in particular, has not been without sorrow. I have endured miscarriages and significant challenges with my body and reproductive system. Several years ago I ran a support group for women who have struggled with miscarriage and infertility – it was heart wrenching.

I have spent years being angry at my body for not doing what it is “supposed” to do. There is something so unnatural, so very, very wrong about a mother’s body turning on its own child. I have often felt as though my body was separate from my spirit and that it was waging war on my children. I have hated this body. After the journey of carry Itty Bitty and my body holding out and protecting her against all odds I began t forgive it. I was learning to again connect to it and even have gratitude for it. Perhaps my anger at my body is a form of guilt. There is no question I feel guilty that I could not protect all my children and bring each of them into this world healthy and strong. The questions are endless. What could I have done? Did I eat something? I had a drink, took cold medicine and lifted heavy things before I knew. Should I not be a mother? Am I not a good mother? Am I not capable of being a mother? Is God trying to teach me something? Is this karma for how I have mistreated people in my life? These are not logical questions – they are worse. They are fears of the heart.

So yesterday I had my first sonogram and it appears our little one is not doing well. We are sort of in this phase of limbo right now just waiting; waiting for blood work results, waiting for…an outcome. I feel powerless. My baby inside of me is struggling for life, I carry them with me and yet there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I am looking at the sweet faces of Rock Star and Itty Bitty and I know anything is possible. I know miracles exist. I also know heartbreak can be a heartbeat away. I am holding my breath. I am making breakfast, vacuuming the floors, changing diapers, will celebrate my birthday today and laugh with my kids, all while holding my breath.

I have been in this place before yet I am paralyzed with fear and sadness. I have no idea what to do.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I have the child every mother (i.e. COOK) dreams of, but….

Since Rock Star was born I prided myself on never making “kid-friendly” meals. We cook real food around here and I never “hide” veggies in anything; I believe in fostering a healthy appreciation for good foods. By age two my first born was asking for couscous, broccoli and fresh parmesan for lunch. Although both my kids have a mild aversion to meat (which pleases me just fine) they love any lentil, pasta, fruit, vegetable and dairy product (Rock Star has quite the palette for cheeses) set before them. I have a firm rule you never have to like or eat more than one bit of anything; but we will try EVERYTHING with joy and wild abandon. I think the reassurance of knowing they have the final say on what they eat allows them to be more adventurous and anxious to try new things (and of course I am confident because they are only given good choices so there is no wrong choice on their part). I rarely get a “GAG!” but when I do I honor it.

This afternoon Rock Star once again ask for “a snack I have never had before” this kid loves trying new foods. Winter proved to be a difficult time for us as I typically rely on fresh fruits and veggies to fulfill snack time. Now that he is wanting to try something new every day, well lets just say this blessing of wonderful, healthy eaters is beginning to be a bit overwhelming.

My husband when ask what he would like for dinner often replies, “something different and unique” which prior to kids I responded with, “Great! Get your shoes and lets head out!” but now with two kids and a hubby who all crave new and unique foods on a regular basis I am hitting a wall.

Enter My Need…

Please share your best and most fun recipe and/or snack idea. The more unique the better, the more ingredients the better, and the more colorful the better. Healthy is of course key.

Can’t wait to see what you have!

Friday, April 9, 2010

For the Love of Tampons

Tampons, a necessity for Mama and pure joy for Itty Bitty. Yes, it is true, she loves to play with tampons. I know – it is weird and gross, but hey it’s me. What do you expect? Basically, she LOVES to hold them and just carry them around the house. They are just the perfect size to fit in her little hand and tote. Rock Star always carried Hot Wheels, no such luck with Itty Bitty. I tried for a while to break her of the love, but I have just given up. I actually had forgotten about them until the other day the mailman had to bring something to my door and I answered it with Itty Bitty on my hip and two fistfuls of tampons. He looked at me, then her, then her hands specifically and seemed to freeze. I wanted to say, “Dude, they are tampons not grenades. Chill.” Then I remembered, it is kinda weird.

So with all the tampons laying around I was careful to avoid calling them by their actual name (just referred to them as “mommy things”) because I just knew the minute I actually said the word TAMPON this conversation would happen…and it did:

Me: UGH! Itty Bitty, there are tampons everywhere!
(now I start to sweat because I know what I have just done)
Rock Star: What’s a tampon?
Me: (acting like I didn’t hear the question) Who wants a snack?
Rock Star: Mom! I ask you what is a tampon?
Me: It’s just something for moms.
Rock Star: I know, but what are they?
Okay, so this is one of those moments as a mother where I have absolutely NO idea what so ever to do and before I know it this stupid answer falls out of my face...
Me: They are for vaginas. (WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY TO MY 4 YEAR OLD SON!?!?!?)
Rock Star: What? When you pee?
Me: (here I decide I am too unprepared for this so I will just lie.)Yes. They help me not pee when I jump on the trampoline.
Rock Star: How?
Me: Like medicine.
My heart is actually racing here. Am I going to claim to eat the tampon? Am I going to explain how to put “medicine” on or in my vagina? This could go so wrong I am about to pop a Xanax.
Rock Star: (Looking board) That’s weird.
Me: Yep. Want a piece of your Easter candy?
Conversation Over.
I will be reeling from this for days to come. Can you believe how terribly I handled this? I am shocked by my own stupidity.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Heavy Heart and Refocusing

Yesterday was one of those days where outside things made my heart heavy. Realization of damaged relationships, scary news for family I love deeply, dealing with an overscheduled week, physically ill, kids who were over tired from long nights of scary weather all left me feeling overwhelmed and powerless by the end of the day. I was awake most of the night, thinking, worrying, and trying in vain to come up with a quick “fix” for all of these perceived problems. At some point around 3am my mind and body began to weaken enough that I had no choice but to surrender to the realization that life circumstances are what they are – for me and others and all the lost sleep and worry in the world will not change them. So, deep breath, and now a day focused on the basics.

-With compassion and personal responsibility I believe in the ability to heal true friendships.
-My home, help and care are open and available to my family. Period. I need not worry about their safety and wellbeing, although life may require changes of them they are strong and capable and at the end of the day have people they can rely on.
-Appointments can be cancelled.
-I have the ability to work with my body to heal it, I just need to be patient and give it time.

I will live with the karma I create today. What do I want to live with tomorrow? Choices are everything.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Art of Saying NO

Perhaps you have read it, I have. However I realized today this is one book Rock Star will never have to read. As I was buzzing through the house doing toy pick-up for the 967th time today Rock Star enters the room. Here is our conversation:

Rock Star: Hey Mom, what’s up?
Me: Just cleaning, I could use some help.
Rock Star: Uh, looks like a lot of bending over.
Me: Yes, it is; this is why I could use some help.
Rock Star: Mom, I would really like to offer to help you, but I just can’t.
Me: (Now stopped dead in my tracks) What? You can’t offer?
Rock Star: Yeah, sorry mom I just can’t offer. I have some resting to go do.
And he exits the room.
I'm left feeling a little pissed, but mostly impressed.
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