Last night after a very fun and active afternoon and evening I did something I hate doing. I yelled. I mean I really yelled. It was one of those over-the-top emotional, exhausted and extremely immature reactions to something small. It was the kind of reaction and behavior that leaves me feeling guilty, ashamed, regretful and fearful. The worst part is Rock Star was the recipient.
But here is the good part. I shouted and rather than cry, retreat, run away from me or any other reaction of defeat he went toe to toe with me. He shouted right back; he told me I was being mean and needed to stop shouting, he told me I was being rude. He told me he didn’t like me.
About this time the phone rang and caller ID said it was the hubs. I told Rock Star to go talk to his dad. We each spoke to daddy for a couple of minutes which was just long enough for us both to regain our composure. I immediately told Rock Star we needed to talk and I apologized for my behavior. I apologized for shouting, for losing my temper, for trying to make him feel bad. I told him I was tired and a little overwhelmed and I made a really bad choice in how to deal with it. He too apologized for shouting and saying mean things, he then started laughing and told me I was acting like I was “cookoo in my coconut” from here we both started laughing at ourselves, each other and our ridiculous behavior.
As I was reflecting back on this later that night, I realized how proud and happy I was he fought back. It was affirmation he has self-worth and he knows right from wrong, even when it is an adult. He knew my behavior and reaction was out of line and he was not about to be victimized by it. He was right, he didn’t like me right then – and he shouldn’t have. I didn’t like myself! It makes me feel confident that as he goes farther into the world without his daddy and I always there he will know he has the right to stick up for himself, to never let anyone take their anger or inappropriate behavior out on him. He knows he deserves kindness and respect.
Perhaps the title of this post is wrong. The truth is he is not a fighter, he is kind and loving. He is thoughtful and insightful and he is conscientious of the needs and feeling of others. But he is angered by injustice, by people being hurt or taken advantage of. I love that he is driven to fight for what is right, for what he and others need and deserve. I don’t just love this child, I respect and admire him.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
My Little Fighter
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Groundhogs Day
Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over? I do. I get in these phases where it seems every day is exactly like the rest. Get-up, cook, clean, play with kids, cook, clean, errands, clean/laundry, cook, family time, clean, baths, bed. Not that this is a bad day, it is just so damn repetitive sometimes.
I have this belief that life should be a constant cycle of moments and experiences that give us something, an opportunity to learn, feel, enjoy – whatever. I want my kids to crawl into bed each night feeling like the day was really worth living. The truth is I want this for myself too. And here is the thing, I am not talking about “activities” or running around to play groups, kids play-warehouses, or other stimulate and entertain sort of things. I am talking about the ability to be really, really present in every moment of the day, to fulfill the need or reap the gift of it. Sometimes I find myself living and operating on autopilot. I loathe feeling robotic and emotionless about my time.
Is it realistic that I feel connected and present while doing the laundry and mopping floors? My immediate logical response is, "No Amy, lower your expectations.” But then I think, why not? While reading a book on Buddhism (forgive me as I have read so many I forget exactly which one it was!) the author spoke of eating a repetitive, limited diet and how even though he ate the same bowl of rice each day he was able to think of the life that went into providing this meal for him; the growth of the plant, the hands that harvested and prepared it – he was connected and in the moment. So is it unreasonable to desire this while doing the laundry?
Oh, but as with all things done in the midst of raising and tending to the needs of small children priorities must be set. So perhaps my laundry will remain mundane for a bit longer and I can focus on other things like making time with books, art even sleep a more beautiful experience for my kids and I.
I feel so very far from where I want to be, from the peaceful, settled place I want my spirit to be. I must remember this is a journey, not a destination and give myself space to grow and experience.
I have this belief that life should be a constant cycle of moments and experiences that give us something, an opportunity to learn, feel, enjoy – whatever. I want my kids to crawl into bed each night feeling like the day was really worth living. The truth is I want this for myself too. And here is the thing, I am not talking about “activities” or running around to play groups, kids play-warehouses, or other stimulate and entertain sort of things. I am talking about the ability to be really, really present in every moment of the day, to fulfill the need or reap the gift of it. Sometimes I find myself living and operating on autopilot. I loathe feeling robotic and emotionless about my time.
Is it realistic that I feel connected and present while doing the laundry and mopping floors? My immediate logical response is, "No Amy, lower your expectations.” But then I think, why not? While reading a book on Buddhism (forgive me as I have read so many I forget exactly which one it was!) the author spoke of eating a repetitive, limited diet and how even though he ate the same bowl of rice each day he was able to think of the life that went into providing this meal for him; the growth of the plant, the hands that harvested and prepared it – he was connected and in the moment. So is it unreasonable to desire this while doing the laundry?
Oh, but as with all things done in the midst of raising and tending to the needs of small children priorities must be set. So perhaps my laundry will remain mundane for a bit longer and I can focus on other things like making time with books, art even sleep a more beautiful experience for my kids and I.
I feel so very far from where I want to be, from the peaceful, settled place I want my spirit to be. I must remember this is a journey, not a destination and give myself space to grow and experience.
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Being Beautiful
I am sure many of you saw this today (if you watch the Today Show) while drinking your morning caffeine but if not, check out Operation Beautiful. Simple concept, huge impact potential. It was interesting that I saw this as I was having many thoughts this week about what being beautiful means. Monday the hubs and I celebrated our 13 year wedding anniversary and since I was home all day with the kids and spent the day cleaning and doing laundry around 4:30 I decided the best “gift” I could give the hubs was to shower and dress with make-up and all. It is unheard of for me to do my hair and apply make-up in the evening if there are no plans to go out. So the hubs came home we spent some time with the kids and then started the bedtime routine. While tucking Rock Star in he said the following:
“Mom, I always love you but I love you extra right now because you are so beautiful. Your lips are pretty and you smell really good.”
How sweet right? I felt good, great actually, I was showered and energetic, I was in a comfy summer dress and yes, I had lipstick on. Anyway, the conversation encouraged me in the days since to get up and get completely ready in the morning. This means real clothes (no sweats) with hair, make-up and a bit of jewelry.
But of course I had this little part of me that was bummed that my kids, and even myself, was viewing my beauty to be so external. I loathed the idea that my beauty and worth was tied up in whether or not I was wearing lipstick. I actually quit wearing make-up (with the exceptions of very special occasions) when Itty Bitty was a newborn because she had extremely sensitive skin and anything I wore would rub on her. To me, this was beautiful, granted my face looked haggard, but it was the face of a mother who wanted to kiss and snuggle her baby. However, this morning while watching this clip on the Today Show it dawned on me that perhaps what my kids were “attracted” to wasn’t the lipstick and eyeliner but rather my improved spirit and attitude. I felt better; I know my attitude reflected this. I was giving myself a few moments of pampering (funny how something so basic becomes “pampering” when you are a mom!) and it gave me just that little extra boost I needed. Rather than serving the kid’s breakfast in my PJ’s with crusty eyes and a prayer that I would soon come alive, I was dressed, energetic and felt ready to tackle the day. Yes, THIS is what my kids see and love. THIS is what makes me feel beautiful and happy. I have to remind myself that I love this body of mine not because of what it looks like but because of what it does, what it allows me to give and who it allows me to be and giving back to it a few minutes each day through a bit of primping is a part of its fuel.
My appearance has changed much from my pre-kid days. But I have never felt and believed I am more beautiful than I am being my kids mama.
What are you doing that makes you beautiful?
“Mom, I always love you but I love you extra right now because you are so beautiful. Your lips are pretty and you smell really good.”
How sweet right? I felt good, great actually, I was showered and energetic, I was in a comfy summer dress and yes, I had lipstick on. Anyway, the conversation encouraged me in the days since to get up and get completely ready in the morning. This means real clothes (no sweats) with hair, make-up and a bit of jewelry.
But of course I had this little part of me that was bummed that my kids, and even myself, was viewing my beauty to be so external. I loathed the idea that my beauty and worth was tied up in whether or not I was wearing lipstick. I actually quit wearing make-up (with the exceptions of very special occasions) when Itty Bitty was a newborn because she had extremely sensitive skin and anything I wore would rub on her. To me, this was beautiful, granted my face looked haggard, but it was the face of a mother who wanted to kiss and snuggle her baby. However, this morning while watching this clip on the Today Show it dawned on me that perhaps what my kids were “attracted” to wasn’t the lipstick and eyeliner but rather my improved spirit and attitude. I felt better; I know my attitude reflected this. I was giving myself a few moments of pampering (funny how something so basic becomes “pampering” when you are a mom!) and it gave me just that little extra boost I needed. Rather than serving the kid’s breakfast in my PJ’s with crusty eyes and a prayer that I would soon come alive, I was dressed, energetic and felt ready to tackle the day. Yes, THIS is what my kids see and love. THIS is what makes me feel beautiful and happy. I have to remind myself that I love this body of mine not because of what it looks like but because of what it does, what it allows me to give and who it allows me to be and giving back to it a few minutes each day through a bit of primping is a part of its fuel.
My appearance has changed much from my pre-kid days. But I have never felt and believed I am more beautiful than I am being my kids mama.
What are you doing that makes you beautiful?
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Space Please
I am Mama to Rock Star and Itty Bitty aka Woman Without Privacy. My kids live within 3 feet of me at all times. It does not matter what I am doing, where in the house I am – they are a there. The Omni-present space suckers. Okay, I joke but for the most part I love having my kids near me. Hanging on my leg while I cook, curled next to me while I read or write. Watching them tail me with coloring books and crayons from room to room repositioning on each floor without so much as a second thought. I am learning to love it.
Buuuut (yeah – you knew it was coming) I have had the same dream four nights in a row now. I am dreaming that I am trying to use the bathroom and the only toilets available to me are like in living-rooms or front yards filled with people just hanging out. No one seems to find it weird I am in the middle of the their gathering pooping. Hmmmm….
Now, I have been severely constipated (thanks to all the iron I am sucking down) and so I attributed the dreams to my clogged pipes. But this morning I decided to do a little research about the dream and see what I could find.
Here it is:
“To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.”
I was recently going to the bathroom with not just my fat prego belly in my lap but my 20 month old as well.
I guess this means I need a bit more privacy? Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Buuuut (yeah – you knew it was coming) I have had the same dream four nights in a row now. I am dreaming that I am trying to use the bathroom and the only toilets available to me are like in living-rooms or front yards filled with people just hanging out. No one seems to find it weird I am in the middle of the their gathering pooping. Hmmmm….
Now, I have been severely constipated (thanks to all the iron I am sucking down) and so I attributed the dreams to my clogged pipes. But this morning I decided to do a little research about the dream and see what I could find.
Here it is:
“To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.”
I was recently going to the bathroom with not just my fat prego belly in my lap but my 20 month old as well.
I guess this means I need a bit more privacy? Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Being of Service
My latest article in the The Pointe newspaper.
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Rock Star
Five short years ago the world was blessed with your birth. I am still amazed that your daddy and I have you, that we were given a gift too amazing for words (although I will try…)
You often tell me that you missed me while you were in heaven waiting to be born and oh my son how I missed you too. It was hard waiting to be together wasn’t it? Your daddy and I waited for so long but I knew you in my heart and I always knew we would have you someday. I knew you were a boy and that your hair and eyes were brown. I knew your spirit was kind and generous and that you would love music. The day you were born and I was able to see you for the first time was completely overwhelming. I remember how I was shaking as I leaned into you and kissed your little fingers and told you , “Mama is here baby, we were now together forever."
You are such a joy to your daddy and I. You make us laugh everyday (sometimes when you are not around and we are talking about all the rotten things you did that day!). You leave me speechless many times with your insights and ideas. You are so kind and generous. I love that you are aware and concerned for the world around you. You think about all of Mother Earth’s beings and do your best to care for them. You love music and without question have a God-given talent. You can run fast and far and are looking forward to playing sports in high school and college and we are excited to watch and cheer you on! You are always welcoming to others and make all your friends feel special and important. Your baby sister thinks you are the center of the universe and is always happier when she is with you.
Tomorrow you turn five! You are now spending more time with friends and becoming increasingly independent, you need me less and less which I know is wonderful, but my love I still cherish the moments you do want mama’s help and snuggles. I also love just being with you. I have so much fun simply talking with you and hearing what you think about life.
Thank you for the gift of being your mother, thank you for being you. I can’t wait to see the rest of your amazing life.
I love you deeply, wildly and without condition always,
Mama
You often tell me that you missed me while you were in heaven waiting to be born and oh my son how I missed you too. It was hard waiting to be together wasn’t it? Your daddy and I waited for so long but I knew you in my heart and I always knew we would have you someday. I knew you were a boy and that your hair and eyes were brown. I knew your spirit was kind and generous and that you would love music. The day you were born and I was able to see you for the first time was completely overwhelming. I remember how I was shaking as I leaned into you and kissed your little fingers and told you , “Mama is here baby, we were now together forever."
You are such a joy to your daddy and I. You make us laugh everyday (sometimes when you are not around and we are talking about all the rotten things you did that day!). You leave me speechless many times with your insights and ideas. You are so kind and generous. I love that you are aware and concerned for the world around you. You think about all of Mother Earth’s beings and do your best to care for them. You love music and without question have a God-given talent. You can run fast and far and are looking forward to playing sports in high school and college and we are excited to watch and cheer you on! You are always welcoming to others and make all your friends feel special and important. Your baby sister thinks you are the center of the universe and is always happier when she is with you.
Tomorrow you turn five! You are now spending more time with friends and becoming increasingly independent, you need me less and less which I know is wonderful, but my love I still cherish the moments you do want mama’s help and snuggles. I also love just being with you. I have so much fun simply talking with you and hearing what you think about life.
Thank you for the gift of being your mother, thank you for being you. I can’t wait to see the rest of your amazing life.
I love you deeply, wildly and without condition always,
Mama
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Know It All
This morning’s first conversation:
(I was in the back of my closet trying in vain to find something that didn’t make me look as big as a house and I hear little people sneaking in and hiding in the hubs part of the closet)…
Me: Get out of my closet you monsters (growl sounds)
Itty Bitty: (Laughter) Yep, Yep (her new response to everything)
Rock Star: How did you know we were in here? You are all the way over there and didn’t even turn around!?
Me: I know everything even when I know nothing.
Yep. That is what I said at 7:05am. I know everything even when I know nothing. What in the hell does that even mean? The best part? Rock Stars response was, “Wow!” with wide eyes and looking at me like I was Buzz Lightyear in the flesh and blood.
It’s gonna be a great day friends!
(I was in the back of my closet trying in vain to find something that didn’t make me look as big as a house and I hear little people sneaking in and hiding in the hubs part of the closet)…
Me: Get out of my closet you monsters (growl sounds)
Itty Bitty: (Laughter) Yep, Yep (her new response to everything)
Rock Star: How did you know we were in here? You are all the way over there and didn’t even turn around!?
Me: I know everything even when I know nothing.
Yep. That is what I said at 7:05am. I know everything even when I know nothing. What in the hell does that even mean? The best part? Rock Stars response was, “Wow!” with wide eyes and looking at me like I was Buzz Lightyear in the flesh and blood.
It’s gonna be a great day friends!
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
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