Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over? I do. I get in these phases where it seems every day is exactly like the rest. Get-up, cook, clean, play with kids, cook, clean, errands, clean/laundry, cook, family time, clean, baths, bed. Not that this is a bad day, it is just so damn repetitive sometimes.
I have this belief that life should be a constant cycle of moments and experiences that give us something, an opportunity to learn, feel, enjoy – whatever. I want my kids to crawl into bed each night feeling like the day was really worth living. The truth is I want this for myself too. And here is the thing, I am not talking about “activities” or running around to play groups, kids play-warehouses, or other stimulate and entertain sort of things. I am talking about the ability to be really, really present in every moment of the day, to fulfill the need or reap the gift of it. Sometimes I find myself living and operating on autopilot. I loathe feeling robotic and emotionless about my time.
Is it realistic that I feel connected and present while doing the laundry and mopping floors? My immediate logical response is, "No Amy, lower your expectations.” But then I think, why not? While reading a book on Buddhism (forgive me as I have read so many I forget exactly which one it was!) the author spoke of eating a repetitive, limited diet and how even though he ate the same bowl of rice each day he was able to think of the life that went into providing this meal for him; the growth of the plant, the hands that harvested and prepared it – he was connected and in the moment. So is it unreasonable to desire this while doing the laundry?
Oh, but as with all things done in the midst of raising and tending to the needs of small children priorities must be set. So perhaps my laundry will remain mundane for a bit longer and I can focus on other things like making time with books, art even sleep a more beautiful experience for my kids and I.
I feel so very far from where I want to be, from the peaceful, settled place I want my spirit to be. I must remember this is a journey, not a destination and give myself space to grow and experience.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Groundhogs Day
I am a free spirit, growing in my creative desires. I write, read, sew, knit, craft and garden. I am striving to live a more natural life everyday for Mother Earth but mostly for the health and well being of my children. I am above all committed to my family, my hilarious husband and life partner of 15 years makes sure I laugh every day. We cloth diaper, babywear, share sleep, and generally live a child led existence. I am strongly against the idea that children must be socialized but believe vehemently in the idea that children need their parents close and always - until. Until they are ready to leave and explore. Lest you think my life is too tranquil and nothing but sitting and reading books while children play with handmade toys; I spend the better part of my days wiping noses and butts, cooking, cleaning, cooking and cleaning some more, figuring out where that (insert any bizarre item you can think of here) came from, and explaining why Mama needs a TO and nap. Above all, I am human. I fail myself and family everyday and every day I am committed to give tomorrow another shot. Because after all, tomorrow will provide another opportunity to smile and laugh!
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1 comment:
I understand so well. I, too, want to be in the moment as I'm doing the dishes or the laundry or some other mundane chore! But, I don't know if I think it's possible to always be in the moment, at least not until we've transcended this place of desire, if this makes any sense. I guess what I'm saying is, I think that as long as we desire (and desire, I believe, is a good thing), we will always be desiring other things that we know will be good for our spiritual growth, more immediate things, like yoga, or art, or meditation.
I try not to be too hard on myself when I know I need time away, time to reconnect and balance. I can only give so much of myself until I need to just be with me, give to me. I don't know if this makes sense. I think that many of us, who are on a more spiritual path, are this way, and I don't think this is bad.
And, the thing is, if you think about Buddhist monks and whatnot, they have such a different reality, one that doesn't demand of them in the same way. Not to criticize them, I think it's the life they have chosen to live (before they were born), but we here to learn a different lesson and to have different struggles, to learn balance in the real world of family and children and society.
Okay, sorry for my long letter, but you really got me thinking there!
Thanks for this honest post. I love honesty like this.
xoxo
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