Things my kids have made me say (that I never thought I would)

-Please stop licking the remote
-Don’t pee on that again
-Well, you ate it hopefully you will poop it out.
-What is that horrific smell!? Oh shit, it’s me.
-It’s not that old, you can still eat it.
-Where did this poop come from?
-No. Stop. You may not eat your brother’s toes.
-I am just pooping, nothing you need to watch.
-Uh, honey, we need to go back home. I forgot to put a bra on.
-I just peed my pants a little.
-If I can get at least three hours of sleep I am fine.
-Come here, let me pick it and see what happens.
-Use your sleeve…
-She/he had it first (872 times in one day!)
-What do you mean you don’t have a diaper changing station? Ok, well I will just use your lobby then. (said of course with my middle finger tone)
-Friday night? Sure, we will just need to be home by 6:30.
-Just spit it in my hand.
-Where are your pants and underware? (to a child coming in from playing outside!); You pooped WHERE?
-I know Survivor Man eats bugs, but it is still not a good idea for you to do it.