Everyone Needs This Friend!

 Ever wish you had a friend you could call on to help you with ANYTHING? I am not talking about helping you by watching your kids or listening while you complain about your mother. I am talking about the friend you call when your toilet is clogged and are too cheap to call a repair man, yet too afraid to tackle it alone.

Well, I got me one. Her name is Jen and she is a freaking machine.

Last week I needed a hook for my new black and hot pink, ruffley apron. I was all out of 3M products which is all I am allowed to use, so I grabbed a thumb tack and a wrench (hence the rule of no tools) and made it happen. Needless to say, when the hubs decided to tear the deck off our house (so we can create a new beautiful patio) I was hardly the first helper on his list. For one, I should never really be trusted with heavy metal objects like hammers, or crow bars and secondly manual labor that involves tools…well, I’d rather get a pap smear.

Stay with me…I’m getting there…

Sooo, Last Friday night my girlfriend calls to say she coming over to help the hubs demo our deck. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!?

She arrives while the my hubs is with Rock Star and ball practice and hers is at the gym; I am fully expecting we will chill with a drink or few while the kids play and we wait for the guys to show up and work.  I was wrong. So, so, so very wrong.

Now Jen doesn’t just show up, she comes with tools. Yes tools, several of them. She asks for a beer and starts tearing boards off the deck. So here I am, now feeling weird about staying inside with my glass of wine while she is working so I decide to help. Ok, well I acted like I was trying to help.  The truth is I was lost somewhere between fear and “I don’t waannnaaa dooo this!” Meanwhile Jen with her big boobs and cute little self is rocking this whole deck demo thing. Finally the guys showed up and helped her so I could bail. The three of them worked, I arranged for dinner (that’s a fancy way of saying I ordered pizza) and my little world was back in balance again. But I must say; I really did stand in awe of her. Ok, I also laughed at her some because I think she’s crazy.

Every girl needs a friend like Jen:  a fearless, strong, capable, daring friend. 

A Village; Every Family Needs One

Hello my friends! So life has been a bit busy for my family the last month. Well, busy may not be the right word – perhaps slowed to a standstill? I have been on complete bed rest keeping our little baby safe and growing until she can safely be born. Needless to say our family has been growing through many changes and modifications to our new (although temporary) way of living.

All was going okay…then…

As I have shared before I am a recovering “Type A” personality. I say recovering because I live in constant pursuit to be present in the moment and not micromanage my family. Eh, I am a work in progress. I do really well when things of course are going smoothly (otherwise known as “Amy’s Way”), but when life throws me a curve ball my gut reaction is to grab hold of my family and life and start owning and organizing all the pieces until I am comfortable again.

Last week life threw me a doozy. Due to increased complications with my pregnancy I have landed in the hospital until baby arrives (which will hopefully not be for another 6-8 weeks). Yep, that’s right, two months in the hospital.

The first 12 hours following my admission and being told I was here for the long haul are somewhat a blur of panic, crying and attempting to bribe doctors into springing me. Then something amazing started to happen. I started getting calls, texts, emails and Facebook messages from friends, neighbors, my husband’s co-workers, and our church family all reassuring me that my family would be taken care of and I could relax.

My family had become the center of our village. My children are being loved, hugged, reassured, played with and fed. Our home is being kept clean and laundry done. Our refrigerator stocked. The physical and emotional needs of my family are being cared for – by our very own village. By the end of the second day of my hospitalization I realized I had a new appreciation for what it means to have a village. In a very short period of time many things became apparent to me about the genuine love and goodness of others, about the resiliency of my family and believe it or not, I am not the only mother in town who knows how to do laundry, shop, scrub a toilet, make a yummy and nutritious lunch and even hug my kids. Go figure. But perhaps the greatest insight I have gained is realizing what a gift this experience is for my kids. Of course my initial reaction was “how will my family survive without me?” (yeah-yeah, I know – arrogant). However, I am seeing now that my children are learning that there is a community of people who love and care about them and will always help them when they need it. There will always be a loving teacher, neighbor, a playmates mom, or someone sitting next to them in church on Sunday who will offer a hug and reassurance that they are loved and safe.

My family is living within the love of our village. Thank you for all you are giving our home and hearts.

P.S. Have your own village story you want to share? I’d love to read about it. Really, I would. I have the time.

Being of Service

My latest article in the The Pointe newspaper.

Apologies – what are they good for?

I received a call the other day from a distant relative (both in the family tree and geographically) who I had not spoken with or seen in nearly two decades. As with any out-of-the-blue call from a person from ones past I was excited but also skeptical. These are rarely the “hey I was just thinking about you” calls so I couldn’t help but wonder what was the real reason for the call. Turns out my cousin was calling to apologize for something that happened almost two decades ago when I was a young teen (very minor incident and one I never even knew took place). I think I actually laughed out loud, and knowing me I am sure it was a boisterous laugh, over being offered this apology. In part it struck me as crazy because I had no idea what she was even talking about and secondly, I could not believe this minor thing had been weighing on her mind and heart for so long. I probably lacked any sort of graciousness in the situation, again I laughed. It was important to her and I could have been more gentle and soft in my acceptance and forgiveness. Of course the problem was I really saw zero need for the apology and even less for forgiveness and this really had no impact on me then or now (like I said NO memory of the incident). In the end it was fun to catch up with her and reconnect with a distant family member.
But as with all things, it got me thinking….
Who is an apology ever really for? If you are truly regretful, isn’t the apology for you? You want to feel the burden of guilt lifted from your own back. Think about the words often used, “I need you to know how sorry I am.”
I
I need.
Yet, if the apology is really for the other person, could it not be offered even if you really are not sorry, or guilt ridden? But perhaps you just care about the other person enough to want them to feel better?

There are two people in my life I really have needed an apology from. When I explore why it is I need the apology I realize it is not about wanting them to accept blame or admit a wrong but it is because I need to know they really understand the hurt that was caused. I have needed them to know deep down in their bones what they did mattered. Perhaps it is not about getting the apology but rather the validation that my hurt was real. I guess at its core isn’t that was a true apology is all about, validating the emotional reaction to someone we have wronged?

On the flip side, how many times have you given your verbal forgiveness to someone because you love them and do not want to hurt them even though their words or actions are still causing you hurt? Why is it so hard to say, “I love you and know you love and care about me and I am thankful for that. I guess that is why I am so deeply hurt. I am sure we can heal in time, because we care and love each other.” Instead, so often we offer up, “It’s fine.”

I think this is where you draw the line between real relationships and encounters. In a true relationship one where love and respect are actually present, there is honesty. Where everyone can honestly say,
I am sorry I hurt you.
I forgive you.
I love you.

Oh, and just in case you read this and think perhaps I am living some quiet, contemplative life here; I just looked up from my laptop and saw Rock Star eat a bugger. Now I will go vomit.

WHAAAAAT am I doing?

I have a total love/hate relationship with connection technology. I despise the idea of being connected all the time via phones, texting, email, blogs, tweeting, Facebook, television, etc. At the same time, as a SAHM I do like the ability to reach out. Obviously I enjoy my blogging, but I also battle the idea that rather than enjoying and sitting with the small moments in life we spend them sharing with the masses. People who tweet as their children are being born for example blows my mind! Put the phone down and get present in your own life already! Trust me; I get the notion of sharing the funny interesting things and thoughts in a day. All of my family lives out of state and I love that I can keep in touch with them and the push of a button. I love that my kids get to talk to and have books read to them via skype with their godparents who live in NYC. I love that I can toss jokes with my cousin mid-day who lives in the woods of Wyoming and that I can get photos of my kids in front of grandparents in Michigan within minutes of taking them. It is wonderful to have the ability to stay connected with the people who I love that are far from me. But I have set some boundaries for myself (those of you who know me and have been reading for a while know I am all about the personal boundaries!) I dropped off of FB late last year because I was just spent on all the mindlessness of it. I had a growing list of friends and friend requests that I did not really know or quite frankly care about, and an endless list of friend request from people I really, really did not know that sat there just making me feel guilty. It was time and energy totally wasted. I decided rather than spending an hour surfing FB on info I didn’t care about I would spend the hour reaching out to people with whom I wanted to foster a healthy relationships. Great move. I have recently gotten back on FB, but again with the boundaries, I am only “friending” my first cousins. As you know I love these guys and gals and since we are so scattered about and all keep odd hours between kids, happening social lives, work and school, it is a great way to keep track of each other.
Okay….I think I am rambling and digressing a bit…lets see where was I going with this??? Oh yeah, I signed up for Twitter. WTF?!?! I hate the entire concept. I loathe the idea of telling the world that I am stoked that I just got eggs for 0.49 or getting excited that Ashton Kutcher just went to CVS. Seriously I do not care. So whaaaaat am I doing???? Well as you know I write a weekly column for The Grain Valley Pointe newspaper and they tweet about local stuff. I clicked on their home page and was reading some of their tweets and given my business here in town and that the hubs is on the P&R Board I figured it would be good stuff to know. So I signed up just to get the GV news. Of course though I am now feeling the pull to tweet something. WHY? It goes against everything I believe in and yet it is calling my name…tweet…tweet….tweet…..tweeeeeeettttt! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! For the love of all things good and pure, I will be strong and reject the urge.

Uh…just in case you want to check and make sure I do not start tweeting you can follow me @mamacomedy.

A Lonely, but Happy Place to Parent

I am a believer. I believe in the power of the Mama Gut. I have mentally and emotionally believed in it always, conceptually anyway. But the last few weeks I have been challenged to put my trust and belief system into action. It is more difficult than I had imagined.
When your children are babies you get away with being viewed as overprotective. People expect it, find it silly and cute. They snicker and say that you will outgrow it soon and certainly by baby number two. To some degree this may be true, but I also think we give up on our mommy gut and intuition all too soon. I for one have found I have allowed myself to be overly influenced into the idea that my children need to be shoved out into the world in order to be socialized. Unfortunately being socialized apparently also means being afraid, intimidated and insecure. My kids are young, really young. Too young to be forced into feeling afraid about being away from Mama for sure. I believe children need require constant reassurance in the care and protection of their parents for as long as they need it; not for as long as we think they need it. It is easy parenting to tell yourself that your kids need to be socialized and therefore shoved out into the world away from you. It is easy to tell yourself that your kids benefit from a babysitter while you go out and recharge your batteries. It is hard to make the choice to remain available to the emotional and physical needs of your children 24/7. But interestingly enough, I am finding it is more difficult dealing with the judgment of others on this type of parenting that it is to actually practice it.

I have consistently found that in the quiet of our home, gentle parenting works wonderful with our children. None of us feel good, benefit or have lasting effects with harsh, domineering parenting. My kids respond to hugs and time-ins far more than shouting and time-outs. I find a time-out to say, “You were bad, made a bad choice and therefore I do not want you near me. Go away.” Now here is the thing. Yes, I understand that in “real life” peers and other adults may have this reaction to my kids. Anyone of us in the course of decision making run the risk of making a choice that others do not like and therefore will choose to not be in your company. That is a natural consequence. I as a parent do not need to turn my back on my child in order for them to learn this life lesson. Rather, I need to give them an example of gentle, loving care; of treating others with kindness and respect.

I find the concept that the world is a harsh place with people who will be displeased with you if you do not -fill in the blank- to be the wrong focus from which to make our parenting choices. To “train” our children to live and survive in a harsh world rather than give them the love and security they need to enter into it believing they can be kind and generous and make a difference (rather than have the skills to look out for number one) is the approach I wish to take. And let me say, it is not a popular one. Parenting this way means keeping your children close at all times. Letting them have access to you whenever they need it (yes this means at night and during your favorite TV show and phone calls), giving hugs and reassurance rather than punishment, and most importantly being in sync with your child to know what they are feeling so you can deal with the issue they are often unable to communicate. Children are not born manipulative so the idea of spoiling your children with your love, reassurance and attention is nuts in my opinion. We teach children to be manipulative by withholding what they need until they do what we want.

Research has proven that children who are the recipients of Attachment Parenting are more secure, outgoing and confident than those who are not. To read more on this from an actual expert, see what Dr. Sears has to say. You can also read more about Attachment Parenting here.

A Year is Forever and Nothing

One year ago today I lost my dearest friend, Wendy. She died at the young age of 37, just four months after her youngest child was born. I was pregnant at the time with Itty Bitty and had just lost my mother 5 weeks earlier to breast cancer. The last year seems like the blink of an eye. It also feel s like the longest time of my life. I still feel my spirit reeling most days. I have to emotionally slap myself in the face to remind me this is real. Wendy is really gone. My mother had battled cancer for 17 years, her death was not a surprise; but Wendy was young, she was healthy and she was the mother of children who still need her.

Sometimes I look at the world around me and find myself angry and how easily everyone seems to be going about their lives. I remember feeling similar after losing my first two babies prior to their birth. I just can’t see how you feel bad one day or week and “move on” in the next. I know Wendy, as I too would feel, wants the people who love her to continue living happy, healthly lives. Especially for the sake of her kids. My brain gets that; but my heart wants the world to continue to cry out for her daily. It feels too much like of a betrayal of our love for her to live life and be happy without her. Maybe these thoughts and feelings are ego-centric in nature. If the world, her husband, children, family and friends can move on without her, so could mine. Therefore my presence in this world seems less vital. My therapist (yes.) says it is normal to deal with ones own mortality in a situation like this. Blah, Blah, Blah…I just want Wendy back.

I am clearly stuck in emotional mud here. The steps of grieving which should be my way out… have gotten me as far as angry and I seem to have set up camp. Well, I am also scared shitless. Scared the world will forget what it has lost, that her daughter will never really know the spirit of her mother no matter how hard we all try and fearful that someday I will no longer be able to hear the sound of her laugh, remember what she smelled like or see the image of her face in my minds eye.

Ugh. Maybe a year from now…