Mommy Misdemeanors

I am currently hiding out avoiding charges for the following crimes over the last few days. Yes, I have no doubt been on a mommy crime spree…

Theft:
I swiped all the purple and red Skittles for myself from the package before doling them out.

Driving Under the Influence:
...of exhaustion and severe snack passing-out distractions.

Disorderly Conduct:
I stood in the kitchen screaming and squawking about ALL of the three lower pantry shelves being emptied by little people, about the laundry AGAIN being pulled out the baskets AFTER being folded and about the full roll of toilet paper being thrown in the toilet. Shrieking decibels far exceeded that permitted within city limits.

Vandalism:
Pulled down and threw out the 147 pieces of scribbled on paper scotch-taped all over the house while the “decorators” were napping. The artist and owner of this art made sure I was aware of the pain and suffering I had caused by informing me I had “destroyed masterpieces and taken away his feelings.”

Some other, and perhaps more serious crimes, include:

Forcing Hard Labor out of the Disabled:
Apparently, any part of a body that has a band-aid on it is rendered useless and without all functioning body parts it is “so-bad mean” of me to make the disabled individual clean up their toys.

Starving the Weak:
Yes, it is true. I refused to provide Pringles 8 minutes after leaving the breakfast table. This resulted in the accusation that I was “starving us kids to death!”

And of course my personal favorite…

Cruel and Unusual Punishment:
This one I plead guilty to. Yes, I ended outside playtime and insisted on baths…with hair washing and soap.

So there you have it little ones, I am one bad ass mommy. Bring it.