Digging Deep

A few posts ago Mommy on Fire left me a comment telling me to “dig deep” when I had shared I was struggling with sharing some feelings and fearing letting too much hang out for the world (or 12 readers anyway) to read. Well MoF…here goes.

We recently found out we would be blessed with our third child later this year. I am not sure there is ever a joy as great, as pure and indescribable as what is felt when you learn this news. Overwhelming does not even really come close. I am always left feeling small, amazed that I am being given something so huge, beyond scale or measure. I look everyday and Rock Star and Itty Bitty and cannot believe I live a life that is this wonderful. But motherhood, my journey in particular, has not been without sorrow. I have endured miscarriages and significant challenges with my body and reproductive system. Several years ago I ran a support group for women who have struggled with miscarriage and infertility – it was heart wrenching.

I have spent years being angry at my body for not doing what it is “supposed” to do. There is something so unnatural, so very, very wrong about a mother’s body turning on its own child. I have often felt as though my body was separate from my spirit and that it was waging war on my children. I have hated this body. After the journey of carry Itty Bitty and my body holding out and protecting her against all odds I began t forgive it. I was learning to again connect to it and even have gratitude for it. Perhaps my anger at my body is a form of guilt. There is no question I feel guilty that I could not protect all my children and bring each of them into this world healthy and strong. The questions are endless. What could I have done? Did I eat something? I had a drink, took cold medicine and lifted heavy things before I knew. Should I not be a mother? Am I not a good mother? Am I not capable of being a mother? Is God trying to teach me something? Is this karma for how I have mistreated people in my life? These are not logical questions – they are worse. They are fears of the heart.

So yesterday I had my first sonogram and it appears our little one is not doing well. We are sort of in this phase of limbo right now just waiting; waiting for blood work results, waiting for…an outcome. I feel powerless. My baby inside of me is struggling for life, I carry them with me and yet there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I am looking at the sweet faces of Rock Star and Itty Bitty and I know anything is possible. I know miracles exist. I also know heartbreak can be a heartbeat away. I am holding my breath. I am making breakfast, vacuuming the floors, changing diapers, will celebrate my birthday today and laugh with my kids, all while holding my breath.

I have been in this place before yet I am paralyzed with fear and sadness. I have no idea what to do.