Real vs. Really Real

So this was real conversation with my night nurse last Friday:

Nurse: Hi! How are you?

Me: Good, thanks. You?

Nurse: Great, and we are going to have an awesome night. No bleeding or contractions…right!?!? (BIG grin)

Me: Sounds like a good plan to me.

Nurse: *Goes through the list of medications she will give me every couple of hours.*

Me: Ok.

Nurse: Well, I’ll be back in a bit. You know staying positive in here is key. Just think about that baby of yours!

Me: Yep

Here was the conversation in my head, the one with the REAL Amy;

Nurse: Hi! How are you?

Me: Same as yesterday and the previous 14 days. Read the chart, brainiac.

Nurse: Great, and we are going to have an awesome night. No bleeding or contractions…right!?!? (BIG grin)

Me: Are you a moron? You must have read Joel Olteens book.

Nurse: *Goes through the list of medications she will give me every couple of hours.*

Me: Oh, you mean the same meds I have been given every 3 hours around the clock for the last 14 days!?! Yeah, it would be a good idea for you to stick to that plan.

Nurse: Well, I’ll be back in a bit. You know staying positive in here is key. Just think about that baby of yours!

Me: So you are a moron. Please come closer so I can poke you in the eye.

Just for the record, I spend 16 hours a day staying positive, meditating, visualizing my baby fat and healthy, and breathing deep – you know, the works. Blowing happy fairy dust up my ass only irritates my bowels.

However,

I am going slightly nuts and would be full-blown certifiable if it were not for the care of these nurses. Please don’t stop coming in here and yapping at me…you are my life line. However I am human and really, really have the urge to let loose on somebody.  

So strange to want to hug someone while pinching there neck really hard all at the same time…

Small Things

Things I will be thankful for when I get home from this hospital stint…

1.       Not having hands and arms that look like I am a heroin addict who got in a street fight with my pimp.

2.       Bathroom ventilation. Let s just say the crap they are pumping in me does not make for a Bath & Body Words smelling moment when it comes out.

3.       Never watching TV again.

4.       Worrying about keeping my ass covered all night as to not throw an unsuspecting nurse into cardiac arrest at the sight of it.

5.       Food that does not come out of a can, chicken that does not taste like tuna fish, potatoes made out of an actual potato, and generally anything that the smell of won’t make me barf in my own mouth.

6.       Legs that no longer look like they belong on a pasty gray elephant.

7.       Fresh air.

8.       Not having to account for the texture, size and color of my poop.

9.       No longer listening to the shrieking of women all day as they give birth. I swear there has been at least 12 porcupines delivered in this place since I have been hear. What else would cause such hysteria?

10.   Being able to, in great detail, explain to my children what it means to truley be bored.